


HATE

by Knightsbridge07



Category: Black Panther (2018), Endgame - Fandom, IronPrincess - Fandom, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-14
Updated: 2019-08-14
Packaged: 2020-08-23 18:40:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20247484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Knightsbridge07/pseuds/Knightsbridge07
Summary: A tiny glimmer of hope pierces the darkness of Tony's current situation.





	HATE

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lilithenaltum](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilithenaltum/gifts), [wakandawinterprincess](https://archiveofourown.org/users/wakandawinterprincess/gifts), [CindersAndBrimstone](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CindersAndBrimstone/gifts), [misstoryunfolded](https://archiveofourown.org/users/misstoryunfolded/gifts), [Mina_Romanov](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mina_Romanov/gifts), [baby_bubastis](https://archiveofourown.org/users/baby_bubastis/gifts), [TheRavynFire](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheRavynFire/gifts), [yourgirlislovely](https://archiveofourown.org/users/yourgirlislovely/gifts), [stanimal](https://archiveofourown.org/users/stanimal/gifts), [Rix1998](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rix1998/gifts), [Cao_the_dreamer](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cao_the_dreamer/gifts), [nonotwithoutyou](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nonotwithoutyou/gifts), [Kookynella](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kookynella/gifts), [TheonlyTammy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheonlyTammy/gifts), [SweetXscape](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SweetXscape/gifts), [Malaiikka](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Malaiikka/gifts), [Esso1979](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Esso1979/gifts), [yellowsuns](https://archiveofourown.org/users/yellowsuns/gifts), [chizoma](https://archiveofourown.org/users/chizoma/gifts), [rachealina](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rachealina/gifts), [vxhemence](https://archiveofourown.org/users/vxhemence/gifts), [luckywabbit651](https://archiveofourown.org/users/luckywabbit651/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Undertow](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15067538) by [lilithenaltum](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilithenaltum/pseuds/lilithenaltum). 

> Read, discuss, comment... 
> 
> Missed you guys!

All Tony can hear is the occasional whir of the machinery in his lab and the beating of his heart.

It’s been three months since his exile from Wakanda—three months since he’s seen his daughter or her mother. There hadn’t been so much as a formal e-mail with updates about Thandi’s well-being. At the very least, he needed that, needed to know how his baby girl was faring in his absence. How had her latest checkup gone? Had she gotten any vaccinations? Did she cry very much? Was she reaching all her milestones on time? There were so many other questions he wanted to ask, but he had no way of knowing when he’d finally hear from Shuri.

There would be no hacking any of Shuri’s systems. Firstly, his tech couldn’t quite pull off such a feat, and secondly, T’Challa would have him stuffed and mounted before nightfall.

If Tony were honest with himself, he’d simply admit that he desperately hoped to see Shuri, to hear her voice again, even if it was just a video call. He was so tired and stressed, it sapped all his energy and inspiration.

Earlier that day, Pepper had left for a clean energy conference in Switzerland. She had been hesitant to leave Jude with him, but she handed the boy to his father anyway. He leaned his head against Tony’s chest and cooed softly. Pepper spoke curtly to her husband as she gave instructions on the baby’s care.

“He’s in good hands, Pep, don’t worry,” Tony said with careful lightness.

“Is he? I wouldn’t want to return to find that you’ve run off to another continent to have yet a third family. And I told you never to call me that.”

Tony pulled his lips into a thin line and nodded in an effort to hold back his tears. “Right. Have a good trip, Pepper,” he sighed shakily.

_I deserve this. I deserve to have her hate me_.

She rolled her eyes. Pepper’s face changed instantly when she leaned in to kiss Jude goodbye and whisper _I love you _in his little ear.

She gave him a stoic nod, took the handle of her rolling suitcase, and headed toward the elevator.

In the lab, Tony does what little work he feels like doing—updating the Avengers’ tech, tooling about with a project he’d allowed to lag.

Tony had put Jude in the soundproofed nursery next to the lab with FRIDAY maintaining constant video and audio monitoring of the boy. If the baby needed anything, Tony had all the necessities downstairs with him.

As he sought a flathead screwdriver from one of his toolkits, his thoughts wandered back to Wakanda and Shuri and baby Thandi. Again, questions echoed about in his head so much so that he slid down against a wall with his head in his hands.

Tony often cried in secret, constantly beat himself up for the mess he’d made of his life and those of the people he loved most. Though he’d re-established some semblance of his friendships with Bruce and Rhodey, he knew there would never be the same closeness. Peter was good, but Tony could tell the boy felt awkward at times, especially if Pepper was around.

Thankfully, Jude was too young to pick up on the tension and frigidness that had settled in their home since his return from Wakanda. Tony hoped that things between himself and his wife would improve before the baby was perceptive enough to see the cracks in their relationship. He hoped she would be kinder to him at some point, forgive him. Still, Tony knew he was a jackass to want anything from Pepper. Every verbal jab she lobbed at him, all the hateful glares she often cast his way, her simmering scorn, he’d earned it. Every day he didn’t wake with his throat cut was a gift.

As such, he didn’t object too strenuously when Pepper told him that she didn’t want him back in their bedroom just yet. Tony moved into the smaller bedroom on the other side of Jude’s nursery.

Tony let his head lean back against the wall.

“Boss, you have an incoming call,” FRIDAY said. “Would you like to answer, or shall I take a message?”

“No, no,” Tony said as he shuffled to his feet. He wiped the tears from his eyes and rubbed his nose on the sleeve of his hoodie. He was relieved for the distraction and anticipated it might be Rhodey, or Bruce, or even Natasha. “Who is it?”

“It’s Princess Shuri.”

Tony’s breath hitched in his chest and immobilized him.

“Boss? Your breathing is shaky. Perhaps I should have the princess call at a more convenient time.”

“FRIDAY, no,” he snapped. “Just…gimme a second…please.”

Tony wiped his face again and took a swig from a bottle of water sitting on his work table and waited for his breathing to steady.

“Okay, patch her through.”

A floating display of Shuri popped up near him as he sat down on a swivel stool.

“Tony?” she lilts. “Are you there?”

“Yeah, yes…right here.” He waves his hand in front of the image. “Hi.”

“Hello, Tony.” Her lips curls into a little smile at one corner of her mouth.

She’s dressed in a lab coat with goggles pushed atop her braided head. She’s makeup free, as she usually is when she works, but he’s always thought she needed no enhancements. She’s more beautiful than he remembers, though he can tell by her face that much of the baby weight was gone.

“I hope I didn’t catch you at a bad time.”

“Oh, no, I was just tinkering around here in my lab. It’s good you called.”

“I wasn’t sure I _should_ contact you. I…uh…I don’t know what you’ve managed to work out with your wife.”

He nods slightly and rubs the back of his neck. “That really doesn’t matter right now. Pepper went to the clean energy conference in Switzerland.”

Shuri lets out a slight laugh and shakes her head.

“What?” Tony says. “I could use a laugh, too.”

“I was supposed to go to that conference. At the last minute, I changed my mind. My brother went in my place. Lucky me.”

Tony titters a bit also then rubs his hands over his face. An anxious silence begins to settle over their interaction until Shuri chimes in once more.

“Thandi is doing well. It’s late now, so I think she’s asleep. She sprouted a tooth about two weeks ago.” Shuri lets out a shaky breath as she provides Tony with updates.

“Oh, wow, my baby’s teething. Can you send me some photos? I’ve been wanting some news on her progress. If you’re worried about Pepper, don’t be. She doesn’t concern herself with my phone.”

“Okay. You’ll have them no later than tomorrow.”

“What else is up with Thandi?”

“Well, she’s sleeping through the night now. Um, she’s just getting over an ear infection, so we have a doctor’s appointment in the morning.”

“An ear infection? My daughter was sick, and I got no notice whatsoever?”

“Tony, it wasn’t serious—”

“Shuri, that doesn’t matter. Thandi was sick, and I should’ve been the first to know! My little girl…I should’ve…” Tony trailed off. “God, Shuri, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have snapped.”

“I _wanted_ to call, Tony. You can’t begin to know how much I wanted to call you.”

Tony stares at the display. He feels awful now because he’s upset her. She wipes tears from her eyes.

_This is all my fault_, he thinks. _Everything is my fault_. It doesn’t matter what either of them truly wants. All that matters is doing what they must. To risk going to Wakanda was to take his life in his hands. There was no telling how Pepper would react to the idea, and she could very well use their son against him. He was trapped—hemmed in with no options and no way forward. No matter which way he turned, someone he loved would be terribly hurt. He had already caused so much irreparable damage.

As much as Tony loved the woman on that screen, as much as he wanted to run to her and their daughter, come what may, it just wasn’t possible. 

But, good heavens, he loves her so much.

“How are you, Shuri?” Tony asked just above a whisper. He stifled a _pretty baby_ before it slipped out.

She took a deep breath before answering, her rib cage expanded and constricted visibly. “Honestly? I’m just doing. I focus on Thandi and my work here in the lab. What about you?”

“Same.”

He was too tired to elaborate.

“Tony?”

“Yes?”

She moves a stray braid from over her eye. “I did what you said. I talk about you to Thandi, show her what few photos I have of you. I tell her that you’re her baba and that you love her very much. She lights up at your face.”

Tony feels his lungs constrict and tears now pour from his eyes. He openly sobs. “My baby…sweet baby girl…I miss you both so much.”

“We miss _you_. Mama tells me I should forget you, that it will save me a lot of trouble in the long run. But that’s very hard. I know you’re not going to risk losing Jude or hurting your wife. I wouldn’t ask you to.”

“I know. God, Shuri, I’m so sorry I can’t fix any of this. I-I’m—”

“Stuck,” she provided. “You and me both.”

Six months ago, Thandi had been born. Tony remembered every detail with great clarity. Despite the disdain radiating from Okoye and Romonda, all he could focus on was the little caramel-colored girl swaddled in purple blankets and the woman who’d birthed her…the softness of her voice as she revealed their daughter’s name. That is the woman he truly loves.

He loves Pepper, and not simply because of Jude. She had stood by Tony’s side and often saved him from his baser instincts. She’d seen the worst of him and still looked past it. With all she had known of Tony, she still took the risk of trying to build a life with him. He couldn’t help but feel like he’d ruined her life, turned a once bright and shining woman into a vengeful, petty shadow of her former self. He was unsure if he’d ever see the old Pepper again. He didn’t deserve to.

No, Pepper Potts is not the type of woman one gets _stuck_ with. She’s the kind one hopes and prays for, pursues, and cherishes wholeheartedly.

Tony thought he’d made peace with failure. As a scientist, he knew it was part of the process. But humans are more complicated than scientific experiments. Tony had failed Pepper, and he hates himself for it.

He shakes his head in despair and pinches the bridge of his nose.

“Tony, I have to go,” Shuri says. “I have to get back to the palace. I lo—” she stops short and squeezes her eyes shut.

So close. Tony’s eyes snapped toward the display with an eagerness he hadn’t felt in months. The room felt charged with hope.

“I’ll call you again when I can,” she says and blows her nose with a tissue.

Tony nods furiously. “Yes, please, please. Kiss my daughter for me.”

“Okay.”

“And Shuri?”

“Yes?”

“Me too.”

She casts him a slight smile as she dabs at her tears with the wet tissue.

Tony remains at his table when the display flickers off. He quietly lets his tears flow unabated and he tries to slow down his mind with deep breathing.

About twenty minutes later, Tony’s phone buzzes, and he pulls the device toward him to check the notification.

Thandi’s sleeping face greets him when he opens the screen. A smile spreads across his wet face as he flips through the collage.

Thandi asleep in her crib.

Thandi on her tummy holding up her head.

Thandi surrounded by stuffed toys in her playpen.

Thandi being held up to a sunflower in the royal garden.

Thandi standing up on what he presumes to be T’Challa’s lap.

Thandi squeezing Nakia’s face with her pudgy little hands.

For now, this is all he has of his daughter’s life.

For now…


End file.
